Dear Jaguars,

I hope you’re happy now. 

I hope you’re happy with a 1-5 record to end the season. And I hope you guys got lots of touristy moonshine while you were in Tennessee after falling short in a must-win situation.  It’s not like I was banking on a playoff run this season or anything… 

In case it wasnt already clear, I’m not happy. One year after I publicly declared my commitment to you, and now we’re in our first big fight.  And if my words sting, then please take comfort in the most reliably narcissistic argument-ender there is:

I’m sorry that you’re offended. 

You know, back in 2007 when Jackie and I were engaged to be married we faced a similar situation.  We were young and in love.  I wrote poems and made promises and anticipated a life-long marriage devoid of any yelling whatsoever. 

And then one day that changed.  We argued.  Voices were raised, and mean things were said.  I’ll never forget what happened next as I stood frozen in the kitchen of a modest split level bachelor pad in Northern Virginia.  I watched my future bride as she coldly pulled the engagement ring off her finger and threw it across the kitchen towards me.  The Honeymoon Phase?  It was over. 

Well, Jaguars.  Here’s me throwing my perfectly good Maurice Jones-Drew jersey across the kitchen.  The Honeymoon Phase of this relationship is officially OVER. 

Which has me wondering: as a Jags fan, is it gonna be like this forever? 

What kills me is that all the pieces were there: we had the once-in-a-generation quarterback, a flashy wide receiver, improvements in the secondary, and scheduled improvements to EverBank stadium.  Heck, this was supposed to be the year my blog got dozens of new followers as I documented the Jags’ glory throughout the playoffs. 

All we had to do was beat the Titans.  Alas, we got the storyline to Titanic.

The Jags, once thought “unsinkable” at 8-3, were progressing as planned until we collided with the iceberg that was the San Francisco 49ers and began taking on water.  The team got a coveted Sunday Night Football home game and lost it.  The team got a coveted Monday Night Football game and lost it…right before my own eyes.

Down the stretch everyone got hurt.  The ship was sinking faster and faster.  And yet somehow I always thought that the Jaguars – like famed third class passenger Jack Dawson – would make it out alive. 

It all came down to yesterday’s game – one last chance for survival.  We took an early lead, then we played like complete trash, then Tennessee played like complete trash.  Then we almost tied it.  Then…

Then we squandered it.  Twice. 

The first time, Trevor Lawrence attempted a QB sneak and didn’t quite make it to the end zone. The announcer deems him “a few inches short” and I’m in no mood for the obligatory “That’s What She Said.” 

The second time, it’s Fourth and Short with less than two minutes on the clock and the ball sails several yards above the head of six foot three Evan Engram for no apparent reason.  It was like a season-ending walk with the bases loaded.  It was the worst. 

It felt like we weren’t even trying.  Remember in Titanic when Jack resigned himself to an icy death and didn’t even attempt to get up on that wood plank with Rose? Or perhaps find a plank of his own? That’s what it felt like yesterday.  We just… let go.

Now before you accuse me of being a “fair weather fan” I want to be perfectly clear: I’m committed.  I still have love for this team and this city and I am in it for the long haul.  There’s just issues we’re gonna need to work through. Kinda like when I start a text message thread with an Android user. 

So instead of a Lombardi Trophy, I get to dish out the only award for which this team qualifies.  I hereby present…

So.  That’s a wrap on the most disappointing season ever. What’s next?

Obviously the Jaguars will fire some low-level assistant coach and a few interns to appease the mob. They’re *CLEARLY* to blame for the dropped passes and errant throws. But I have some additional thoughts on how we can do better next year:

First: The offense needs chemistry.

Maybe the boys could all go to an escape room together?  Or perhaps get together and watch Stepbrothers and then make hilarious Stepbrothers references throughout training camp?  That always works for me and my wife.  I’m just throwing some ideas out there.

Second: The Defense needs to work on tackling.

I have no stats to offer here. I base this entirely on the number of times I franticly screamed “TACKLE HIM!” this season.  So yea, maybe some tackling drills.

Third: Someone on the team needs to start dating a pop star. 

Is Rihanna single?  Is there anyone on this team capable of standing under her umbrella? IM SO SICK OF STUPID KANSAS CITY GETTING ALL THE ATTENTION!!!

If we can do these things, the team will be wearing Super Bowl rings in no time.  And speaking of rings, I’ll end by going back that fateful day in the Spring of 2007…

Tensions eventually calmed.  Jackie picked up her engagement ring.  We got married, had kids, and despite me saying some pretty stupid things over the years, she hasn’t thrown that ring at me since.  So there’s hope. 

I’m not quitting on this team, I just had to get this off my chest.  And if something I said was too harsh? Well then…

I’m sorry that you’re offended.