A wise man once told me that if you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, write it all down in a blog. 

Well folks, I’m taking a different approach.  I’m taking the high road.  So as I present the next chapter in this epic home build saga, I won’t be saying anything negative about my builder… I pinky promise, and I pretty much always keep my promises. 

If you’re new here, we signed a contract with a local builder back on April 27, 2021 – less than 100 days into the Biden Administration.  After permits, the contract anticipated a 240-day build.  It’s been 1,007 days. 

That’s One Thousand And Seven Magical, Fun-Filled, Super-Duper Awesome Days. 

See?  All positive.  And I’m going to keep it that way because (a) I’m a positive guy, and (b) my builder reads this blog and refers to it in his emails. 

Who’s my builder? When this story began my builder was “Pinnacle Homes.”  After getting some negative attention on the internet, the folks at Pinnacle started a new company called “Gold Key Custom Homes.”  Of course, the purpose of this new company was not to skirt responsibility for the disastrous builds they had going. 

Gold Key Custom Homes has an admirable level of swagger and confidence.  So despite being well over a year behind on the build, and shaking me down for nearly $50k that wasn’t in the “fixed price” contract, last June they took to the internet to brag about how awesome they were doing on our house.  They assured their Facebook followers that our family would be moved in by Summer. 

Progress was slow but there were perfectly good explanations for everything.  The best excuses came after weeks of playing hard to get (aka ghosting us), which coincided with no progress at the house whatsoever.  

Here are a few: builder was sick; builders kids were sick; there was a death in the family; there was a weeks-long cell phone service outage.  At one point nothing was happening because the owner was out of town for “personal reasons” which surely had nothing to do with the fact that it was Spring Break. I never once doubted any of this.  Frankly I’m just glad his dog didn’t eat his blueprints. 

Anyway. I’ve opted to pick this story up where I left off: when the dumpster was fully ablaze.    

In June and July of last year, we saw spurts of progress.  A Gold Key Custom Homes representative gave us a move in date of Sep 8, 2023.  He *promised* us the house would be done by then, and my builder keeps about 1% of his promises.  Having paid two mortgages on a Government salary for as long as we had, we were ready to take those odds. 

We planned to move out of the house in which we were living on Oct 31^st – Halloween.  Surely that would give us enough of a buffer.  Surely this wouldn’t backfire and blow up in our faces…

The “move in” date of 8 Sep came and went. At the time, the house resembled an abandoned wood shop, and I obliged a tour on TikTok.  This video caught the attention of local news reporter Anthony Austin, who covered the story as part of his “Ask Anthony” series.  The best part?  I got to be on TV in one of my most respectable cat shirts, which was on my bucket list. 

The unanticipated media attention was just the motivation our builder evidently needed.  Within weeks, concrete was poured, plumbing was finished, electric work progressed, landscaping and HVAC were installed, etc.  The progress was strange and exciting and unusual.  Despite the hope we began to feel, every day our litigious 12-year-old daughter wanted assurances: “you’re still gonna sue them, right?”

Meanwhile, the countdown to the fateful 31^st of October kept running. And as had happened so many times throughout the build, rapid progress was followed by a complete stoppage… followed again by the soothing sound of crickets. 

One cannot move into a house until the county issues a “Certificate of Occupancy” which our builder had not obtained.  When we asked the builder about this, we got super-helpful guidance like: “we are working on it” and “we will let you know when we have more information.” I was particularly comforted when he told me everything would magically get done “ASAP.”      

By late October Jackie and I realized the new house wouldn’t be ready by the time we had to move out of the old house.  We began discussing our perilous situation in public to see if anyone would be foolish enough to let us stay with them.  Our friends Haley and Dustin Baker took the bait. We assured them we’d be out of their house “ASAP.”   

On Halloween Night, we took residence in a 4-bedroom house with 10 humans, 3 dogs, 1 cat, and a few bottles of Xanax.  We made a mountain with clothes and used the smell test to discriminate between dirty and clean.  Our noses told us everything was dirty, but the Xanax assured us everything was clean.    

What did we do with our household goods?  We threw away all perishables – countless Hot Pockets and ice cream sandwiches sacrificed.  We couldn’t put anything in the new house, so we put everything else wherever it could fit – my office, a trailer, the cars.  Heck, we put our Ping Pong table in a forest.  It got kinda savage, and I’m thankful nobody from Child Protective Services was observing us from the elementary school drop off line.   

Did my builder offer to help cover any of the expenses associated with being years behind schedule and completely botching our move in date?  No.  Did it ever occur to me that all this madness could have been avoided if my builder had just finished the house he promised to build in 240 days?  Not even for a second.   

A few days into our homelessness, the Navy sent me to Connecticut for two weeks.  So while Jackie was squatting in a child’s bedroom with three kids and our dog “Lucy,” I was living in a hotel room with unlimited hot water and my own bed.  When I sensed some bitterness about these inequitable circumstances, I too started ghosting Jackie.  When she asked why I wasn’t answering her calls or texts, I told her I was sick, that there was a death in the family, that there was a weeks-long cell phone service outage, and that my dog ate my blueprints. 

On 10 Nov 2023, we had a breakthrough.  926 days after the contract was signed, we got that elusive Certificate of Occupancy and wasted no time moving in.  Instead of being dramatic about waiting to move into the house, I could now be dramatic about putting together intricate furniture designed in Sweden.  At long last, the super-duper awesome experience with my builder was pretty much over. 

Or so I thought. 

I’m guessing you wanna see what the house looks like.  I’ve included the before and after shots. The before pics are from our “promised” move in date of Sep 9, and the after pics I took a few days ago. So far, the house seems to be aging better than me. You decide…

Kitchen/Dining:

Stairs:

Floors:

Yard:

Pool:

The house is awesome, and it’s 98% finished. That pesky, lingering 2% though…

For those of you that like happy endings, I implore you to stop reading now.  Seriously, queue the final credits and be happy this story is over and everyone’s doing just fine. 

But. For those of you who prefer exciting, hot mess, drama-filled endings, then you’re gonna want to stay tuned.  I promise. And remember…

I pretty much always keep my promises.