For all you younger dads out there, heed my advice:

Do not. Under any circumstances. Let the Elf on the Shelf into your home.

Here’s why…

Pros:

None. There’s literally no upside to this Christmas demon.

Cons:

1. You have to move him literally every single night. For more than three weeks in a row. That’s over 5% of the days in the year! For the unacquainted that may seem like no big deal but trust me, you’ll get tired of this quicker than any New Year’s resolution youve ever attempted.

2. Every night, you have to conjure up a new, creative thing for him to do. Oh, and the kids remember when you recycle these ideas. After a few days you’ll wake up feeling like Maximus from Gladiator, yelling “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?”

3. Half the time you won’t remember to move the Elf until you’re already comfortable and in bed. You know this is coming when your wife says “oh you know what we forgot to do…” Or when youre about to head out the door and your wife sends you a text like this…

4. Eventually, your Elf will “need” a friend. And a wife. And kids. And a dog. Before you know it you’ll have six elves to arrange. They’re like Mariah Carey songs this time of year: they just keep coming.

5. The kids will start expecting gifts and candy from him. Nothing highlights the birth of Jesus quite like M&Ms and dollar store gifts throughout the month of December.

Bottom line: if you haven’t already, DO NOT DO ELF ON THE SHELF. He represents the greatest parenting failure of an entire generation. Parenting is hard enough as it is, and remembering what Christmas is really about is even harder.

Sincerely,

The Original South Pole Elf