Okay folks, we went to the “Nights of Lights” experience in St. Augustine this weekend and here is my analysis: it’s not magical at all. I’m scoring this a 10/10 ****DO NOT RECOMMEND****

Here’s why…

First, this is hyped as a 45 minute trolley “tour” of St. Augustine. But alas, it is not a tour. Oh no. It’s just a ride through *very* heavy traffic. At least it was last night. For the better part of an hour, our “tour guide” did not say *anything* other than “please let me know if you are gonna get off the trolley before the end of the tour.” I was not expecting this. Evidently, the idea behind this “experience” is to look at a bunch of super old buildings and appreciate the fact that they’re decorated with Christmas lights? I’m still confused about why this is hyped as one of the “Top Ten” things you can do in Florida on travel websites. It’s more overrated than a White Elephant Gift Exchange.

Second, it’s expensive. I’ll tread lightly here because my wife sometimes accuses me of being a “cheap bastard.” But… we couldn’t just buy single tickets to this thing, so we had to buy an entire row in the trolley. It’s $80/row, and only four people per row. And there’s a $20 fee (per row, of course) for buying online. This ride is over $200 for a family of five. The underwhelmingess of this “experience” is exacerbated by the fact that I am indeed a cheap bastard.

Third, parking is insane. Parking lots were full. We ended up parking in a sketchy backyard with some guy named “Clint” who asked me to add a pizza emoji to my Venmo payment. $20. And let’s just say there was SOME drama between me and my wife trying to find parking amidst streets that are (a) absolutely packed and (b) designed for horses, not GMC Yukons.

Fourth, the people watching was decent at best. We ran into some drunk women in their forties with Christmas onesies on, and saw some Golden Bachelorettes with floaties around their waists who looked tipsy but may just have been enjoying life. But St. Augustine is where rich people party, so the vibe is (mostly) classy. Our family’s natural habitat is amongst the Florida Man crowd.

Bottom line: The kids didn’t enjoy this, I didn’t enjoy this. Heck, my wife didn’t even enjoy this. If you want to get into the Christmas spirit, skip the “Nights of Lights” and watch Mean Girls instead.

We ended up getting a crappy family picture next to a vending machine cuz this was the best photo op we could muster. The quality of this picture is consistent with our enjoyment of this “magical Christmas experience.”